Taken Tuesday

Well little fuckhats, thanks for cheering me up yesterday with your supportive comments...I hate you all.

Ah, can you feel the love.  Yeah, feel it...that's right.

Today, I bring you the Taken Tuesday...for those of you who don't know, Moooooog35 (that's a lot of o's), let me introduce you...to the others, well enjoy anyway bitches cause I ain't posting.  Btw, when I use paint I pretend my pics come out looking like Moooog's.

Seeing Red - An Awful TMI Thursday

At age 41, ladies and gentlemen..

It happened.

Imagine a horror so true..so..so SURREAL…

That you wish you could undo time and completely avoid it.

Well, folks, I’m jealous of you because:

I don’t have to imagine.

Because. I . Just. Lived it.

(queue porn music)

WAIT! Wrong music!

(queue horror music like the Halloween theme or maybe something from The Omen or some shit like that)


Here's how it happened.

I was sitting at my desk at work.

I was possibly working but that’s highly improbable since I’m not really really clear what, exactly, I’m supposed to be doing here on a daily basis so every once in a while I’ll pretend like I’m interested in a meeting or some shit and ask a question that may be slightly relevant while my boss is around so it looks like I wasn’t a complete waste of a business investment and he leaves me alone except once in a while he pops in but luckily I have tilted my laptop AWAY from the aisle so he can’t tell that I’m Googling shit like “Oprah Winfrey vagina clothes” just to see what pictures come up.

FYI – I’m writing this whole fucking thing while I’m in my cube.


Regardless..there I was..alone.

My cubemate, Kristin, was not around…this was good because I didn’t have to listen to her babbling on and on and on about health care and tea parties and shit like that because she’s a psycho Republican and I may or may not be a Republican as well but I don’t really remember who I voted for but it probably wasn’t Obama because I live in New Hampshire and I don’t think they allow us to vote for black people.

It’s in our state constitution.

That may be wrong.

As I’m sitting there…minding my own business…

Kristin comes BOLTING into the cube.

Still standing, she looks at me and says:

(brace for it)

Kristin: “Is there blood on the back of my pants?”

* blink

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

What. The fuck.

Seriously…WHATHEFUCK?

Of all the fucking things to ask a guy, ladies, do NOT – UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES – ask him to verify if you have goddamn PERIOD BLOOD (OMG OMG OMG I’m going to throw up just typing that) ON. YOUR. ASS.

Never.

Never ever ever ever NEVER.


She then spun around.

I looked.

I mean, seriously..she’s showing me her ass. How do I NOT look?

Me: “I don’t see any.”

Kristin: “Your eyes are closed.”

Me: “I’m finding this the best method right now to LOOK FOR BLOOD FROM YOUR VAGINA ON YOUR PANTS thankyouverymuch.”

Kristin: “Seriously..is there blood there? It all just came gush..”

Me: “LALALALALALA…FINE. Fine.”

I tried to open my eyes but I believe that somehow I managed to squeeze them together so tightly that they fused shut. This is similar to the effect marriage has on a woman’s vagina but with much less NAGGING.

I squinted them open and looked.

Nothing.

Nothing but Kristin ass.

Me: “No. There’s nothing.”

Kristin: “Good. It just came flooding out and I tried to get a pad but..”

It’s at this point that I jammed a pencil in my ear and then eventually killed myself because MOTHER OF GOD SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP and now I’m writing this to you from my desk in Hell where I will burn for eternity while listening to William Hung’s CD over and over again while a constant loop of Fran Drescher laughing plays in the background and hundreds of tiny little Carrot Top clones pull my chest hairs out.

Way better than being asked about period stains and tampons and LALALALALALA sorry..sorry…I really really have to stop now.

THAT was Hell.

This is nothing.

***************************

For more TMI Thursday's, go visit Lilu over at Live it, Love it.

You'll laugh til you have blood coming out the back of your pants.

I'm going to throw up now.

Panic at the deli

That title sounds like a bad Agatha Christie novel...or a really bad porn.  Or maybe some emo band name.

Well, I would like to dedicate this post to my friend Paul over at Mostly Grocery.

However, before I begin, I would like to thank Aunt Juicebox at Bacon is my Lover.... mmmmm bacon.

She awarded me, for being me.  I love her comments and her blog and the award....let's let it speak for itself.

That is fucking awesome.  It makes me want to get all stabtastic and shit.  I will honor the award and think of a few badasses.  Some people I would hope to have my back zombie slaying.  However, I have a post to make and Tuesday is already reserved..... Wednesday, Wednesday will be my bitch. 

So... there I was waiting my turn at the deli.  I knew what I wanted.  I had it all planned out. 

Oh god, why was I getting nervous.  I have done this before.  So many people are watching. 

Am I panicking over lunch meat?  The fuck? 

They ask what I want and I stutter like that one kid in english class. 

Fuck you teacher quit calling on him.  That shit was sad. 

I want the cracked pepper turkey and the pepperjack cheese, I manage to get out.  Is that what I really wanted?  There are like 50 fucking turkeys.  I just want a sandwich motherfuckers.

Fuck, I wanted the pesto jack.  I think the woman at the counter knows.  She asks me again.  Fuck. Get it right get it right. 

I stutter again but pick the right cheese.

 She asks how much of each.  Now, I am sure I told her this all ready she is just messing with me. 

What thickness?

Why can't I just get some fucking meat and cheese.  Can I just walk up to the counter once. 

"Hi, sir, what can we get you?"

"Ugh me hungry, want sandwich." Points

"Here you are sir, turkey and cheese."

"Good, don't care what kind."

Ah, I know I am the problem in this equation.  I really know what I want, but unlike my usual confident self sometimes I roll over more than that skanky chick in history class. I know it is because I am in a hurry and just had to wait 10 3 fucking minutes to be waited on in the deli. You know how many times you can change your mind in 3 minutes?  A lot.

I hate dealing with stupid people and the parking lot of the grocery store makes me want to go all Grand Theft Auto on an old bitch. By the time I get inside I feel all stabberiffic.

It is a fucking parking lot, move bitch.

So, to Paul.  Sorry when customers get like this. 

Query me this?

So, what does the internet think of me?  I like to look through my comments and search queries.  It amuses me.  Today, I will show you what the interwebz thinks of me and maybe throw in a couple of comment shout outs.

As I look through my search queries, I have to ask myself, WTF?  Sometimes, the things that people search....Well, lets just say I have no idea how they got here.  We all remember the jesus take me now search.  Here is a snippet of the searches.

 I have said it before, and I will say it again.  Look closely Elizabeth, fuck unicorns.  And not like that, thats nasty.

Also, internet, stop it....I am not the fucking redhead factory.  Why oh why do you think this of me.  I used to think it was just aol.  However, if you look up you see others.  Comcast...yeah everyone knows they suck.  There was also an ICQ search in there I cut out.  You can only take so much redhead.  Carrott top ruined it for you fuckers.

I could still live with those queries though because they were from sucky search engines.   My belief in the internet was still whole. 

See, everything is looking cool, then bam.  See that at the bottom?  Even google thinks of me as the redhead depot.  I don't even fucking talk about it that much......er yeah.  And google, you really think of me for "ball sweat smells good"?

No, no it doesn't and I would never spread such lies.  I am starting to hate the googles when I see it... that's right, dick-titude.  That is two different searches of dicktitude, it is a fucking word.  The first step to world domination is complete.

And yahoo, tsk tsk.  I know unicorns have been discussed here before and I am a dick, but you just can't combine the too.  Bestiality is not my thing.

So google is fucking retarded.  That first seach makes no gawd damned sense.  However, some foreign google thinks of me  for happy pussy.  Although I may influence kittens, I am an angry dick so you lost something in translation (google.tr is a translator duh)

I didn't think it was possible to stutter on the internet, but there it is folks.

So to wrap it all up, google is a all over the board but aol still sucks worse.  And yahoo... yeah we won't mention that again.

AOL had lost all respect until:

Fuck yeah, AOL recognizes that I am a bad ass man.  Suck it bitches.... fuck what am I talking about.  That is like the ugly girl telling you that you are hot.  Fuck fuck fuck.

And, the comment of note from yesterday comes from Magda.

while fun and informative, this post....
who gives a shit? right
seriously
‹^› ‹(•¿•)› ‹^›

Thank you for that.  Of course my posts aren't informative.  My fucking title is I am a dick, not exactly Newsweek.  However, I reposted that comment on her site.  Oh was she mad.  He he.  Well, I am a dick

Hump Day hate

Ah so, the week is half over...and I have actually had the weekends off at work for some time now. 

However, I have some bad news for all of you...I won't be here Friday.  I will be out of town for a College Career fair...seriously.  I get to corrupt recruit people for my work.  Muahahahaha. 

Obviously, they have not found my blog yet. 

So, what does this have to do with today's blog? 

Wait for it... wait for it...... nothing.  However, I didn't want to leave you all hanging.  Hell, some of you are addicted...not to me, but blogs in general.  You know who you are.  And some of you only come here to make me angry.....is that a bad thing?

Anyway....(wow I say that way too much) I have something to say to the fast food restaurant out there.

Fuck you.

Do you think we are fucking retarded?  I know the answer is yes.  And in truth, most of your customers aren't exactly at the top of the food chain.

But can't you even try anymore?

I haven't eaten fast food in a while...for several reasons.  The number one being I can afford better food now and have time to cook.  I ate McDonalds after a long fast food respite and it felt like my stomach was trying to escape my body.  Fucking nasty.  One of my favorite things in college was to order the $0.99 double cheeseburger and add big mac sauce.  Why the fuck should I pay for the extra bread.  Hell, I was pretty fucking poor.

I was the king of the dollar menu.  Same with Wendys.  I knew how to eat on the cheap.  That is one of the reasons I am pissed. 

McDonald's, the home of food that you thought couldn't get any worse, has now brought us snack wraps.  The concept in itself is not bad...hell, in mexican/texmex almost anything can be thrown in a tortilla.  Fuck, breakfast tacos utilize the same concept and it is fucking awesome.  The concept is viable.  When McD put their chicken in the wrap it wasn't such a bad idea. 

Now, however, these fuckheads want to put a bigmac in a wrap?  Nobody fucking wants a hamburger in a tortilla.  This somehow makes it healthier?

Looks good?And... they want to charge you two dollars.  Now, if you were paying attention earlier (you better have been), you can see that a double cheeseburger with mac sauce cost 99 cents.  The mac wrap?  $2.  But, hey, the picture looks nice right.  Come on we all know those things fucking lie.  Let's look at reality.

 You just got punkedLet me lay this out for you...that's right, the picture shown above illustrates what we like to call getting fucked.  Half a fucking patty... not only is it disgusting, you also got ripped off.

Next time, pay me $1 and I will fart in your mouth.  I bet it tastes better too. 

Now....since we are on the topic of getting ripped off or more generally value, I would like to discuss Wendy's. 

As I have illustrated before, the gingers can not be trusted.  That freckledy bitch Wendy has proved it again.  I keep hearing an ad on the radio mentioning a value meal for $2.99.

Wow, good deal right?  Not so special actually.  It is three items off the $0.99 menu.  Let's add that up kids.

Hmmm, my math seems to be solid...carry the three, divide by 1... yup $2.97.  So, they combine the meal and charge you 0.02 more? 

Oh, I forgot you get free bacon and cheese.  Okay Wendy's you slide by this time.  Granted, the bacon looks more like a printed bacon picture and the cheese sucks too, but you are actually adding something more to the "combo". 

Just quit acting like it is special.

Taken Tuesday part...

I lost count.  Well today the post is extra special. 

Why?  Oh dear fucking gawd I am so going to lose it on your ass.  No more fucking questions or it gets the wire hangar. 

I have a headache and you are angering me.  I digress...It is groundhog day...yeah I forgot, nobody cares about this stupid fucking holiday/dumb thing.

However...well, you see friends (I can call you whatever the fuck I want...like minions) I have met a new friend/enemy (and no I won't fucking use frenemy (ah god damnit now you see what you made me do?...fuckhead)) on the interwebz.

She is slightly off kilter...just like I like my friends....so what does that say about you?

Without further delay...I would like to introduce you to Lady of the House at Checking the Electrical Box.  

Enjoy...heathens.

On A Very Special Episode...

I’m not smart enough to home school my children. Sure I could teach from a syllabus and they wouldn’t be completely inept, but they could potentially be a little stupid because of me. So far I’ve been able to answer most questions adequately, even toughies like "what happened to our cat?" and "can I touch my vagina?" The other day though, I had my first really feeble-minded parent moment.

We were on a new playdate. My daughter wasn’t hitting it off with the little girl so she ended up playing with her older sister. About 15 minutes later my daughter marches into the kitchen with the sister close behind and declares, "She has no fingers and no thumb." Shit shit shit! This wasn’t our first time at this rodeo. Both of my children have put me in precarious situations with strangers by pointing out facial hair and moles. I usually come out unscathed as I allude to my adult acne and tell my kids it’s not ok to point and comment. This was different. She was genuinely shocked. The girl’s mother gave the appropriate answer about how she was born that way and it’s just like one person having a different hair color then another, but it wasn’t. Obviously I have a tremendous amount of respect and compassion for anyone who has anything "extra" to do in order to navigate life. This little girl was so lovely and thankfully her mother’s response quelled my daughter’s inquiry. Once we were in the car, however, the gloves came off and I went down in flames.

I gave the stock, "people come in all shapes and sizes" answer. But the questions were coming fast and furious. "Did her fingers fall off? When I’m older will my fingers fall off? How can she do the monkey bars?" I tried my best but within moments I was in the weeds. In the same awkward sentence I told her this girl was special, different and the same as her. My son starting asking what else could "fall off." When I explained people could be born without entire limbs we went into the lightening round. It was a total clusterfuck. I touched on prosthetics but I watch Food Network, not Discovery. I completely spazzed and alluded to people walking on their hands which no doubt filled them with confusing images and prompted my daughter to ask how they eat upside down. Like an asshole I mentioned seeing a limbless woman on Oprah getting around on a skateboard. What the hell was wrong with me?

In an attempt to undue the confusing and conflicting answers I gave I decided to let them see for themselves. Together we watched an uplifting YouTube video about a boy with no arms or legs. Was it a little inappropriate? Sure. But it allowed me the opportunity to show them what I couldn’t say. Thankfully my husband was Valedictorian so my kids aren’t totally screwed.